If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
