the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
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