somebody snuck up and got me drunk
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Nobody cheats on THIS.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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