Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
