I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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