even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
