I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
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Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
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