Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
