I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
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