just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
