Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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