True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
You had me at "let me see your balls"
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
