On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Randomize
