DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
