i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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