My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I wish there were birth control emojis
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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