I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.