i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
