i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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