Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
