You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
So many bounce houses so little time
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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