I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
It was confusing and full of hummus
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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