hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
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Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
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Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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