we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I am one with the molecules
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
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