theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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