Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
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