he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
