I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
How external is "for external use only"?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
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