someone threw a dead crab at me
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
