just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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