I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
