OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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