Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
