the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
