the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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