I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
