she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
