I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
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I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
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And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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