bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
My ATM looks so different sober.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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