I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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