ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
