so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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