Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
