Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
