Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
