ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
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I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
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I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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