Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
