when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
