remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
