i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
