I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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