I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize