Soap is not a condiment
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
