There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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