the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
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