Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Houston, we have a squirter
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
