he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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